Is he ghosting you, or has he just died of plague?
Has your intended suddenly gone quiet? It could be that he’s come under the spell of a fairer wench than you – but it’s equally likely he’s succumbed to the deadly illness felling us all. Take this shockingly accurate quiz to find out the answer today.
What kind of relationship do you have with your man?
A. It’s complicated!
B. We’re definitely courting, but lately he’s been acting really shady – even for a medieval guy.
C. I met him but once, in the apothecary shoppe yonder.
When did you last see him?
A. Two whole moons ago. I am so over these games!
B. Well, he delivered a bushel of apples to my hut yester eve. But when I asked him to call again on the sabbath, he said couldn’t commit to anything that far in advance. “Health issues”, apparently – *eye roll*. If he’s not interested, that’s fine. I just wish he’d be honest!
C. This very morn, when I entered the apothecary’s and found him splayed across the floor, frothing at the mouth and writhing in agony. Straightaway I realised that he wasn’t like other guys.
What happened the last time you guys hung out? (Don’t omit any juicy details!)
A: After we lay together, he promised to wed me “just as soon as Our Saviour returns”. Well, I’ve heard that one before. It’s always the same story with this guy…
B: It was totally weird. As he was dropping off the apples, he kept fainting and coughing. Plus, he was vomiting a lot – it was kind of gross.
C: I watched him crumple before my eyes. Blood flowed from his every orifice as spasms jerked his pale, sweating limbs, and he uttered cries more savage than any I’ve heard issued from human lips. He definitely made an impression!
Be honest. What’s the last thing your man said to you?
A: When I got out of bed and he saw that I was big with child, he hissed, “Kill the evil tumour that turns in thy womb and disturb me no longer, wretched whore!” I know that sounds harsh, but a baby is a big responsibility and between that and the Crusades I think he was just feeling a little overwhelmed.
B: “Does this look like a buboe to you?” – talk about a mood killer!
C: “Run, wench! I am damned to perish but thou hast time enough to save thyself!” Yep, it was pretty intense, but it was kind of sweet too.
Have you noticed a change in his communication style, or has it been pretty consistent?
A: I hate to admit this, but I’ve had nothing but radio silence ever since he found out I’m with child.
B: There’s definitely been a change. We used to tumble in the hay – ;) – every sennight. But now he only gets in touch when he needs me to fetch the barber-surgeon or wants to borrow a healing ointment. To be honest, I’m starting to feel like I’m being used.
C: He was literally screaming the whole time I was in the apothecary’s. He did stop after a while, but I think that was just because he’d died. Who knows? It’s early days, so I’m trying not to overthink it.
The last time you reached out, how long did your fella take to reply?
A: Reply, huh? I’m lucky if my tear-stained letters are returned without being covered in faeces.
B: I wrote to him this afternoon and still haven’t heard back. And I know he’s home because I literally just saw the undertaker enter his hovel. God, I feel like such an idiot.
C: When I knelt before his white, lifeless corpse and asked if he could hear me, he was silent. ‘Twas then I knew his soul had departed its fleshly casing. But by that time, I was crushing too hard to care!
Mostly As
Honey, the only illness this boy is suffering from is commitment phobia. Plenty of guys will tease you to show you how they feel, but your man is next level! Smearing faeces on your letters and calling you a whore might be fun for him, but if he can’t make an effort to do stuff that you enjoy too then bye-bye, boi! Remember, sometimes good things need to fall apart so that better things can fall together.
Mostly Bs
Sounds like your guy has a cut and dry case of … cold feet! Love is an act, not a word. So face it, sweetheart. If he can’t even stop vomiting for long enough to gift you with some seasonal fruit, then it’s probably not a match. Save yourself a broken heart and likely plague infection – run!
Mostly Cs
Hate to break it to you, but your man definitely died of plague. On the bright side, you probably dodged a bullet. Think about it this way: guys are simple. If they like you, they’ll make an effort. And it’s pretty clear that this guy hasn’t done that. By collapsing on the apothecary’s floor and dying, he showed you exactly who he is and what he’s all about. Next!